Headlight
by Lacuna Inc
Summary: If Stephenie Meyer can tell the same story from a billion different points of view, then so can I. Twilight as told from Tyler's Van's POV.
1. Chapter 1

I knew that she was trouble the moment I first saw her.  
This girl, Stephenie Meyer (Or as most call her, "Bella"), would, however, become much more of a threat to the world of literature than I could have ever imagined.

But where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself.  
I am Tyler's Van, and I cannot help but pride myself in my taste in literature. And quite frankly, the frequent mention of Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet in this series (that's right, series, not "saga." No heroic exploits here, folks!) irks me.  
...I apologize, I am a very troubled vehicle. I digress.  
To be blunt, the book in which I am forced to reside incidentally sucks.  
I plan to rid the world of this book (and I use the term "book" loosely). It deserves better. The world, that is.  
And I shall exterminate this book even if I must do it one lousy, codependent character at a time.

If the author favored me at all, this would be the part where she stopped to describe how impossibly blue I am, or how dazzling my windshield wipers are. I have concluded that having an actual personality is worth the loss of such a description.

I am Tyler's Van, and this is my story.

It began only weeks ago, when this "Bella" first arrived in Forks.  
At first, I was hesitant to make assumptions of her intentions. After all, a Mary Sue is a terrible device to assume one to be. Especially one who is physically flawless.  
Clumsy.  
Inhumanly attractive.  
Smart. (?)  
And a self insert of the author.

...Crap.

I watched her, this Bella Sue, as closely as possible. This was rather difficult when she exceeded the school parking lot. I received a few strange glances when I was spotted looking in her classroom window. I decided to lay low. Mother has frequently warned me of my paranoid nature, and I should be wary of it.

...But this girl! If mother could see her now, tripping over flat surfaces in such a cutesy manner, she would understand.

It was then I knew that I must rid the world of this Sue. (I didn't mean for that to rhyme...I swear.)

And I knew just how to do it.


	2. Chapter 2

I began to contemplate a brilliant plan, sure to exterminate this Bella Sue immediately. However, while I was scheming, she appeared amidst a croud in the parking lot. I checked my internal clock. Three-thirty. Moments later, Tyler appeared. Drat. It will have to wait, I thought. He climbed into the driver's seat and turned on the engine.

Just that moment, Bella Sue tripped over a pebble and had a dozen young humans commenting on how cute this was.

To this very day, I cannot begin to describe the anger that this Mary Sue provoked inside of me. But if I had to guess, I'd say it was _**OVER. NINE. THOUSAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

I tried to deny it, tried to calm the rage which derived from her very existence, tried to tell myself that I should finish constructing a plan, but alas, my efforts were in vain. Before I had even become aware, my wheels began to turn--turn in the direction of the vile being, and upon this I knew that I could control this rage no longer.

I spun quickly, and with all of the power I could gather, lunged in her direction. Oh, how this excited me! Soon, I would relieve the world of the most unbelievable insult to literature ever known to man! I savored the look on her face. Sheer terror. I knew now, as I glided over a patch of ice, that it would be only a moment before...

_CRUNCH._

But what here? That old man that the girl is infatuated with, he has spared her in the nick of time! What the heck, man. Seriously.

Is he aware of what he has done, this man? He will allow for this horrid creature to live, and upon doing so allot an equally horrid "saga" to begin! I fell into a daze, now injured by gramps' (marble?) hand. The commotion of people surrounding us now was overwhelming. The entire student body was there, someone had even called the WHAAAMBULANCE! Why did they care for her so? Were they unaware of the dangers she would bring upon the future of literature? My thoughts were a blur. As the voices surrounded us, I could feel my life slipping away. The people...they were not here to help me, they were here for...her. Oh, how I despised her. Did they not know that she would inevitably live, as she was a self-insert of the author? But I, I am simply a device to be used in an attempt to make this story interesting. Oh, and how interesting! A "brave" hero rescues a damsel in distress. Such a story has never been constructed before! Did they not see that I was dying? There was more hope for this girl than for anyone, excluding Chuck Norris. So why do they run to her? The answer lies beyond my reasoning. And perhaps, if I had succeeded in my noble efforts, the pain now inflicted upon me now would seem nonexistent. Promptly after these thoughts, I fell into a state of unconsciousness.

I awoke inside a repair shop. I peered through the open door. Darkness. How long had I been here? No matter. I struggled to recall what had gone wrong with my plan...oh, right. I had none. Yet...how had she survived?

And then it struck me. How I had failed to see it earlier was beyond me. The elderly seventeen year old..._no_.

It _couldn't_ be.

But it was.

"I know what you are," I mumbled.

"...a..._GARY STU_!"


	3. Chapter 3

I was overcome with disappointment. It was going to be difficult enough to kill a Mary Sue, but a Gary Stu? I didn't know if it was possible. What I did know, however, was that even if it was not possible, I would die trying.

I spent the next few weeks in contemplation. I became almost..._obsessed_ with creating a plan while I was held captive inside the repair shop. I had to be more careful next time. I prepared myself so that my anger would not make me move irrationally. I prepared for my new attempt to seem like an accident, just in case I fell under suspicion. I cannot explain why anyone would suspect that a seemingly inanimate object would attempt murder, but you must understand that my universe knows no logic. You see, Mary Sues are rather simple creatures with no major flaws, but those minor, cutesy flaws that they do possess can be fatal. Such as clumsiness. When one continuously falls on their rear for no particular reason, it is not difficult to make something like murder look like an accident. In fact, there are quite a few traits that Mary Sues possess that can be easily used against them. Such as the entire male population falling at their feet. Especially when one's owner is one of those males.

Such as Tyler.


	4. Chapter 4

I must admit, I felt somewhat unscrupulous using Tyler in such a plot, but...ah well. I never liked the kid, anyway. He was quite a spiller. So it was settled. I would somehow use Tyler's infatuation towards Mary Sue against her. Against them. This entire "saga." I smirked.

Tyler suddenly entered the room. There was one good thing about this book: that everything worked out much too conveniently.

"OhIjustloveBellasomuchandshe'ssocutewithallhertrippingovernothingandblushingandfaintingandgahshe'sjustsogreatandprettyandit'sashameshe'swithEdwardandnotmecauselikeIsaid

she'sreallyreallyreallyprettyandselflesseventhoughshe'snevershownanyevidenceforbeingselflessbutIcantellsheisbythewayshetreatsallusuglypeoplelikedirtanddidimentionshe'sprettyand

andandand--"

"TYLER."

He turned to look at me.

"Not this again. I cannot listen to your mindless babbling any longer."

"Okay."

"...okay? I'm...I'm a talking car. So...you, you should be...well...you know...not...okay." I tried to explain simply.

"Nah, it's cool. I figure you just have extra chromosomes, or your oil substitutes for stuff like blood and saliva and that's how your vocal chords are lubricated and stuff. It's really not that hard to figure out."

I had grown tired of this logic so, so much...but, if he really thought like this, I could use it to my advantage.

"Tyler, I want you to do me a favor."

"What's up?"

"I want you to take Ma--er, Bella to prom."

"Oh, cool! IreallylikeBellacauseshessoprettyandsmartandclumsyandselflessandprettyand--"

"Will you do it?"

"Mmhmm. But...she's probably going with that really pretty guy. You know Bella...she's just so selfless that she can't stand to be seen with non-inhumanly attractive people."

"Yes, well, I'll make you a deal. If you will help me dispose of Edward Cullen, I will grant you the Ma--er, the girl."

"Sweet! How!?"

"What I need you to do, Tyler, is simple. As you know, Edward Cullen in infatuated with only two things: that girl, and his looks. The only thing you need to do is walk up to him, it's not important when, and loudly proclaim, 'Your sparkles are showing!'"

"..wait, sparkles? What?"

I tried to imitate Tyler's logic.

"He...erm...has...diamonds! That's right, diamonds imbedded in his skin. It makes him sparkle."

"Ah." He smiled and winked at me, as if we were communicating in some kind of code.

"Okay, I'll do it. But I don't really see how that's gonna kill him...?"

"Don't worry about it. I'll make sure it happens."


End file.
